Posted May 1, 2006
Br. Bob -- A Case Study by Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D.
Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and the Director of
Education and Editor of Lukenotes at SLI
Case Study: Br. Rob
Br. Rob is 35 years old. A year ago he made his first profession, and since
that time he has been assigned to his congregation’s high school where he is
both a teacher and coach of the soccer team. As a new teacher who has a
second and time consuming position, Br. Rob is usually quite busy and is
struggling to find time for himself. Recently, when he was asked by the
principal to help with the school musical, he reluctantly agreed because he
did not feel he could say “no.” Since that time, Br. Rob has been
increasingly irritable at school and at home. Recently, after returning from
a community gathering where he felt compelled to say “yes” to being on the
vocation awareness team, he hurt his hand when he punched the wall in his
room. Br. Rob has decided to talk to a counselor because he realizes that he
is becoming more and more angry. When he met with the counselor, he shared
“I feel that my life is not my own because I am not free to consider
requests; rather, I feel compelled to say yes. I don’t want to be angry.”
As he began to work with a counselor, Br. Rob soon realized that being angry
and his inability to say “no” were not new issues. As he spoke about his
childhood, he realized how he learned to be responsible for others. At age
five, when his father became disabled, Br. Rob became “the man of the
house.” He was responsible for tasks formerly done by his father and had to
grow up quickly. He learned that it was his job to respond to his father’s
wants and needs and that his own needs and wants were secondary. As his
father coped with being disabled, he became both depressed and angry in
response to so many losses: physical wellbeing, financial security,
meaningful work and ways to enjoy life, and significant changes in
relationships with his family and friends. In addition, his father struggled
with being vulnerable and not knowing how to ask for what he needed in a
direct and respectful manner. He was overly demanding and often responded
with aggressive outbursts. As Br. Rob talked about this time, he realized
that he has developed a similar pattern of dealing with frustrations and
losses; he too has difficulty asserting himself, becomes mad when he is
sad, and at times expresses his pent-up anger aggressively, either in words
or behaviors.
As he continued in counseling, Br. Rob came to some powerful and painful
realizations. First, he saw that he tends to develop similar relationships,
whether with the men in his community or with the women that he dated during
high school or college. These relationships are one-sided and lack mutuality
in which both individuals’ needs are met. Rather, he seems to be drawn to
relationships where he loses himself as he responds to the needs and wants
of others, often resulting in feelings of frustration and anger that he does
not know how to express in healthy ways. In addition, Br. Rob also realizes
that he does not have a good sense of himself and that he has poor and often
porous personal boundaries. He does not know how to assert himself or to
negotiate relating with others in his ministry or in his personal life. Br.
Rob also realizes that he is quite lonely because no one really knows and
loves him.
Individuation and Connection
Br. Rob’s realizations are providing a great opportunity for personal
transformation. He is moving away from the roles he was assigned in his
family and is living more authentically. One way to understand this journey
of conversion is to explore the dynamic relationship between individuation
and connection.
Individuation refers to a person’s ability to have and maintain a separate
self, to care for one’s self, and to develop and maintain flexible and fluid
boundaries. Connection refers to a capacity to relate with others in adult,
mutual, intimate ways, to be close to others and let others be close to you.
Individuation and connection are ongoing developmental tasks (we should get
better at these as we mature!) and need to be negotiated in every
relationship. Too much of one dimension and not enough of the other will
lead to less-than-satisfying relationships and a failure to develop an
authentic self.
Br. Rob has learned to believe that others are more important than he is.
He has difficulty maintaining separateness while staying connected to
others. As a result, he is more likely to relate to someone who needs him
and eventually come to resent the lack of mutuality that everyone needs and
that he desires. One of his current tasks is to learn to be self-referent,
i.e., to know and value what he thinks, feels, wants, needs, and dreams and
then be able to negotiate with what others think, feel want, need and dream.
In order to be self-referent, Br. Rob will need to grow in self-awareness
which will require his getting in touch with his inner self. Taking time
for himself, journaling, paying attention to feelings, especially those in
the anger family (e.g., rage, frustration, disappointment, and hurt) and
talking with significant support persons (his counselor and spiritual
director) will assist him to become more self-aware.
Br. Rob also needs to learn how to be close to others, without losing
himself, i.e., to be in authentic communion with others. Developing and
maintaining healthy personal and ministerial boundaries will be crucial to
achieve this goal. In addition, as Br. Rob learns to consider his own needs,
he will grow in his capacity to be responsive to others rather than being
responsible for others which will help him to develop more satisfying and
adult relationships.
When individuals are able to maintain a separate sense of themselves as well
as develop healthy, mutual connections with others, they will more likely be
characterized by the following: emotional honesty with self and others, an
ability to care for self and others, appropriate self-disclosure, flexible
and fluid boundaries and an increasing capacity for empathy- the capacity to
“walk in another’s shoes.” In addition, their self-definition will change
from being the hero/rescuer or victim to being a “person in relationship.”
Healthy adult living is characterized by a dynamic, interdependent, and
shifting balance between individuation and connectedness with others, while
unhealthy living results from being stuck/fixated on one of these dynamics
and lacking the skill to shift gracefully to the other dimension when
needed.
Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and the Director of
Education and Editor of Lukenotes at SLI.
LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute. Telephone
(301) 422-5579 Fax (301) 422-5400 lukenotes@sli.org www.sli.org
All previous and current LUKENOTES, both articles and case studies, are on
our SLI website. Visit us on-line at www.sli.org
|
|
|
